Sincerely, Kaoru
by lastbloom
Summary: Kaoru keeps a hidden journal and writes his feelings for his dear brother inside it. Now he's decided to take drastic measures to find out if his brother shares his feelings. I suck at summaries...
1. The Letter

**I've been thinking about writing a Fanfic for a while now and I finally decided to just do it, so this story is dedicated to my favorite couple of OHSHC, Hikaru and Kaoru. Enjoy! :P**

**Disclaimer: ~sigh~ Do I really need to say this...? Fine, I don't own Ouran High School Host Club or any of it's characters. T.T Stupid disclaimer always crushing my dreams... **

**Parings: HikaxKao**

**Rated: T just to be safe (I'm paranoid...)**

Sincerely, Kaoru

Kaoru's P.O.V.

I waited patiently for Hikaru to fall asleep to the music from the headphones he put on every night before he went to sleep, then I quietly removed myself from our bed and grabbed my hidden journal from the secret drawer in my desk. I wrote everything in that journal, everything I couldn't tell Hikaru, everything I was too afraid to tell him. At least once every week I would go to my journal and pour my heart out onto the pages. Carefully opening the book, I pulled out my pen and began to jot down my feelings and problems.

_I desperately wish I could tell you, tell you what you mean to me. How you make me feel, how I wish I could have you. I almost kissed you today, I wonder how much that would have surprised you. Would you have kissed back or pushed me away? Would you have called me disgusting and run away? I know the answer to that already though, which is why I didn't kiss you. I know you will run from me so I never kiss you, even when I want to so bad I feel like my heart's going to break into a million shards like a piece of glass. I don't know what to do Hikaru, I just don't know anymore. The one thing I do know is that things can't stay this way forever, they'll have to change at some point. However, I don't know if I'll be able to handle that when it happens. There's a pain in my chest like I've been stabbed and whenever you look at me during host club with those eyes that hold love and compassion that pain becomes sharper and more intense. I know those eyes are just part of the act made to convince our gullible customers, but I want them to be real so badly... I'm just writing again to let you know, I love you Hikaru._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Kaoru_

As I finished the letter (one of many other similar ones) I replaced the book in my desk drawer and lay back down next to Hikaru in our bed. I have no idea why I still signed the bottom of the page, it's not like I'm ever going to show him the letters anyway. For the millionth time I wondered what would happen if I did let him read my letters, pushing back the thought almost as quickly as it had popped up I pressed my chilled body against Hikaru's warm one and fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Rae:Hey guys, sorry for any spelling errors and grammar errors and bad storytelling errors haha it's like 1:30 am and I can barely see my computer screen so I hope it isn't too bad... I'm also sorry that chapter's so short but it's just a short story anyway so short chapters are called for. :p Anyway this is my first fanfic EVER so please review for all the host's sake!**

**~holds a gun up to Hikaru~ **

**Kaoru: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ARE YOU CRAZY?**

**Rae:Now why on earth would you think that? ~grins~**

**Hikaru:Please!...Please just do what she says...**

**Rae:That's right all you readers out there, just read and review and no one will get hurt! :D**

" **We're all mad here."~Cheshire Cat**


	2. Answer

**Hey all! I'm never going to fall asleep with all these ideas running around in my head so I'm going to continue my story tonight, hopefully I'll stay awake long enough to finish this chapter :)**

**Disclaimer: If I have to do this every time someone's gonna get hurt... I DO NOT OWN OURAN HIGHSCHOOL HOST CLUB OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS! Ggggrrrrrrrrrr.**

Sincerely, Kaoru

Kaoru's P.O.V.

It had been two long weeks since I wrote a letter in my journal while Hikaru lay sleeping, an unusually long time considering how many of them I was writing before. I have decided that I can't live not knowing what Hikaru's response would be if he read my letters and realized that I love him, not knowing if he would ever love me back. So I've come up with a plan and today seems just as good as any to put it into action. Time dragged on slowly throughout the school day, finally my last block came and I skipped my last class by leaving from the cafeteria, then I rushed to get home in time to carry out my plan. The cars and pedestrians on the streets passed by me without a second glance continuing on their way to a baseball practice or a date with their boyfriend, not knowing that I was on my way home with the intention of committing suicide. I had planned it out for weeks now, everyday it became more and more appealing to me. The whole idea seemed flawless and live or die I would still get my answer. I would leave my journal for Hikaru to read and explain my feelings for him, if he doesn't come to find me and tell me he loves me back, I will slit my wrists and wait for death to claim me. I know it seems irrational but I can't continue living like this, I need my answer.

When I finally arrive home I opened my journal and wrote two things, the first was a note.

_Hikaru, when you get home please read this,_

_ Kaoru_

The second was another letter for my journal.

_Your soft auburn hair mesmerizes me even though I know if I look in the mirror I will see hair the exact same color. Your warm voice makes me shiver even though I know if I open my mouth and speak I will hear a very similar noise. Your eyes dazzle me when you look up at me from underneath your thick lashes even though I know I could do the exact same thing to someone else. The worst part is I ache for your loving touches even though I know they're all part of the act. I love you Hikaru, and __I'm sorry. Good-Bye_

_Sincerely,_

_Kaoru_

Tears were dripping down my nose and cheeks onto the paper. I set my journal down onto Hikaru's bed and walk to our bathroom were I take two razors out of the cabinet and head outside into the garden. I walk down a brick path into our family's garden where there are two identical willow trees planted in the very back. Hikaru and I planted them when we were 5 years old and we used to always meet each other underneath them when either of us was upset or angry . Once seated underneath my tree I wait with my razors for my other half to come home. It will take Hikaru another 20 minutes to get home and maybe an hour to finish the journal (he's a slow reader) so I'll give him an hour and a half, then I'm going to end it. I'm not sure if he'll come find me, he might even come out just to reject me. If he does it won't matter, I only want him to be happy so I won't argue with his decision. I just want an answer.

Hikaru's P.O.V.

Kaoru hadn't shown up at our last class and I had to cover him by making up some lame story about him feeling sick. Honestly what has he been up to lately, he's been acting so distant. I just hope he's okay. After the bell rand I sprinted out to our limo and was now sitting in the back seat watching the cars around us. Were could he have gone? What is he doing? Is he off with some girl he met at the club? Is he with Haruhi? No that can't be I just saw her, and anyway Kaoru would have told me about something like that. I couldn't help myself, whenever Kaoru was away from me I got anxious and worried, I love him. I've know for a while know but if I tell him and he rejectes me it would ruin the bond we have. Once we arrived I jumped out of the car and hurried through the door up to our room without even taking my shoes off. I was surprised to see the journal our aunt had given to Kaoru for Christmas one year laying on my bed with a note on it. I picked it up, read the note and opened the journal.

Fifty minutes later I was finished reading Kaoru's book and my face was streaked with tears. Kaoru, I sobbed his name over and over as I paced the room. Why didn't you just tell me Kaoru? Where are you? I thought of where I would have gone for a moment, then raced down the stairs, out the door, and into the garden.

**Rae:There are probably lots of problems with this chapter but I'm too tired to fix 'em. **

**Hunny:You're so lazy Rae...**

**Rae: Do you want me to get out the gun again Hunny?**

**Hunny: O.O Fine I'll be quite...**

**Rae:~smiles~ Good. RATE AND REVIEW PEOPLE! GOOD NIGHT!**

"**Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop."~ The King of Hearts**


	3. Chances

**Rae:Hello guys it's me again! Thanks sooo much for those of you that reviewed I'm glad you liked it. I guess I'll have to continue it now... :)**

**Tamaki:Yay for the story and our first fabulous reviewers!...uumm...i mean...Please don't shoot me Rae.**

**Rae:Don't worry Tamaki I would never shoot you.**

**Tamaki:Really?**

**Rae:Of course not, your not worth it.**

**Tamaki: T.T**

**Disclaimer: I don't own OHSHC or any of the characters. I hate my life...**

Sincerely, Kaoru

Kaoru's P.O.V.

An hour and a half had passed and I was still sitting under my willow tree, I had watched Hikaru when he came home from school. He had walked up our driveway and into our mansion and I had seen the light in our bedroom turn on so I knew he must have seen the journal. But the back door wasn't opening, he wasn't calling my name, Hikaru wasn't coming. I had known there was the possibility that this would happen but that didn't stop the tears from coming. They overflowed, washing down my face and neck as I looked down at the razor in my hand, it was clenched in my fist and digging into my palm. I raised it to my skin and slowly dragged the cold metal up my arm. Crimson rivers sprung from the cut and stained my skin and clothes as my tears continued their journey down my cheeks. _He doesn't love me _I kept telling myself, _He doesn't love me so I should just leave, just leave forever. _Suddenly I heard screams from the door and saw Hikaru running towards me, he was right next to me now calling my name. I looked up hoping to see his beautiful face but my vision was clouded with blurry spots, then everything went black.

Hikaru's P.O.V.

I sprinted out the door in a panic and ran to the stairs. I was going too fast, I knew, but I needed to find Kaoru. _What if he's not outside? Were will I find him? What if he's gone? _These thoughts all suddenly vanished as my legs buckled from under me and a sudden pain ran through my arm accompanied by a loud _CRACK! My arm _I thought _my arm is broken._ The servants ran to my side calling my name and asking me stupid questions. I tried to tell them that I needed to find Kaoru but they wouldn't listen, I needed to find him. Ignoring the pain I jumped back to my feet and rushed out the back door to the garden, then I saw, by far, the scariest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. Kaoru was sitting underneath his willow tree covered in blood. At first I thought someone else had hurt him but as I drew closer I saw the tears streaking his face and a razor in his hand. I screamed his name over and over but he was just staring at me with a blank expression. When I reached him I held him in my arms ignoring the sticky red blood staining my skin and the pain in my arm. Kaoru looked up at me and frowned, like we was looking for something he knew should be there, but wasn't. Then his eyes closed slowly and his breathing seemed to stop.

Time slowed in my mind as the ambulance arrived and carried him away. They wrapped my arm up and told me how badly it was broken, but I couldn't listen. All I could think about was Kaoru, Kaoru's hair, Kaoru's eyes, Kaoru's tears and all of his blood. There was so much blood I couldn't convince myself that he was alive. I knew there was a chance he would live, but every time I thought about him coming home all I could see was the blood.

I brought Kaoru's Journal with me when we went to the hospital and I read it again now, devouring his words and sentences. Turning to the front of the page I saw that he had been writing these for more than two years now, before I had even realized my feelings for him. I laughed to myself, Kaoru always was more observant than I was. My thoughts were cut off as one of the nurses walked up to me and looked at her clipboard, then asked,

_ Kaoru Hitachiin? _

**Rae:Hey guys, about that last part, doesn't the nurse walk up and say the name of the person who is sick/injured not the name of the visitor? Kinda just to ask if you're here to visit that person so they know their informing the right person? I don't know if that even makes sense, that's just what I thought. Haha I've been in the hospital more than a few times but I've never really visited someone in the hospital under conditions like these so...yea. Anyway... **

**Hikaru: Rate!**

**Kaoru: Review!**

" **Why is a raven like a writing desk?"~ The Mad Hatter**


	4. Solutions

**Rae: Wow you guys, it's been soooooo long since I've updated this I honestly don't blame you if you want to kill me for making you wait, if anyone's still actually reading this that is. So I'm really sorry that it took me so long to get any inspiration whatsoever back into writing this story but your reviews definitely helped and thanks to that special reviewer for calling me lazy 'cause I definitely needed that push XD. Anyway I'm finally out of my slump and I'm going to give you all a new chapter!**

**Kyouya: Oh and just so you all know, Rae hasn't updated for quite a while now and seeing as this was her first actual fanfic her writing style has changed a bit.**

**Rae: Thanks for reminding about that Kyouya, it has been awhile but I doubt the change will be THAT noticeable.**

**Kyouya: Her attitude and need to threaten all of our lives has changed quite a bit as well...**

**Rae: *grabs Tamaki's hand, runs into a giant meadow with him and starts dancing like a hippie***

**Tamaki: Kyouya help me, she's gone completely insane! **

**Kyouya: I'm sure you can deal with it yourself Tamaki, you are the leader of the Host club remember? Well we all hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**Tamaki: HELP ME!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club. But I do own these nachos so HA!**

Sincerely, Kaoru

Hikaru's P.O.V.

I looked up desperately at the nurse before me, silently begging her to tell me that my brother was fine. To tell me that we could just go back home and everything could be alright again. I was praying for those words to come but I knew in my heart it would never be that easy. "Yes?"

"You're brother lost quite a lot of blood today and we'll have to keep him here in the hospital under observation for a few days but fortunately for him his cuts weren't fatal and he should be able to go home very soon."

I sighed in relief and instantly felt guilty, my twin brother just tried to kill himself so why the hell am I so happy right now? I need to talk to him, I need to know why he didn't just tell me how he felt.

"Can I go in to see him?"

"He might still be asleep but I'm sure that would be okay. He's in room 333."

I smiled at the nurse in thanks and hurried down the hall to my brother's room as my stomach tied itself in knots. Yes Kaoru was alive, yes he could come home soon, yes we would be together again but was it ever going to be the same? Once I reached the door I crept into his room trying not to wake him. The silence was unnecessary though because he was already awake lying under nearly translucent white sheets staring at me.

"Kaoru..." I realized sadly that I had absolutely no idea what to say. Thankfully he spoke before I had a chance to finish. " Hikaru why do you have a cast on your arm?"

"Oh um well after I read your journal I ran downstairs to find you and I fell down and it broke..."

"Oh" he looked even more upset now "so you read it..." I nodded and silence engulfed the room as I, once again, racked my brain searching for something to say. Thinking for a moment, I decided that I'd rather risk being completely blunt and honest than trying to beat around the bush.

"Kaoru I love you."

His beautiful eyes went wide and he looked utterly shocked. "R..really?"

"Yes really, I can't believe you would do that Kaoru! Why didn't you just tell me? We're twins, we're supposed to tell each other everything." tears welled up in his eyes and I felt sorry for yelling but he needed to know that he could tell me anything.

"I know but... I was just...afraid you'd hate me." I was sitting next to his bed in one of the visitor's chairs now and he was looking away from me. Pressing my fingers under his chin and turning his head to me I whispered "I could never ever hate you Kaoru, especially not for loving me." we both leaned forward at the exact same time and gently pressed our lips together. I ran my tongue over his soft lips asking for entrance and he instantly complied, our tongues danced together and he moaned against my mouth before we pulled away.

The next week the twins returned home and as they sat outside in the warm sun Kaoru handed his brother a crisp sheet of white lined paper.

_Dear Hikaru,_

_It finally happened, you told me you loved me for the first time just a few days ago and we stayed together just holding hands and listening to each other breathe for the rest of the day. I wrote you this letter, my last letter, because I want you to know that although it's going to take a while to recover from the pain we've been through in the past, we will recover eventually and when we do, we'll have each other to hold in our arms. _

_ Sincerely,_

_ Kaoru._

**Rea: So... It's over. I can't believe I finished this I'm kinda just in awe right now... I can change this to complete. Wow. Wow. I can't thank the people who took time to read this enough and now that It's finished I can stop worrying about it which is a huge relief because, surprisingly, I thought about it a lot while I was in that slump. So I hope you all enjoyed the story and please, please, please read and review!**

March Hare: "Why don't you start at the beginning?"  
Mad Hatter: "Yes and when you reach the end... Stop."


End file.
